For my birthday in 2017, one of my friends gifted me a tarot reading. One of the cards pulled was The Hanging Man (reversed). “The Hanged Man reversed can indicate that you are being impulsive and making rash decisions as a way to distract your self from some sort of inner discontentment. This Major Arcana trump card generally shows that you may be jumping from one bad situation to the next without considering where this behavior is taking you.”
Was that NOT enough confirmation?
I heard the titled quote during a sermon in early 2018. It stuck with me so I wrote it on my basement wall at 12:21am on January 25, 2018. You guessed it, I was up drinking and thinking. Drinking and thinking has never led to any positive outcomes. Drunk calls, drunk texts, writings on my basement wall are all that I’ve ever completed while drinking and thinking.
I knew in 2018, that my drinking was problematic. I knew that I needed some sort of change. I didn’t want to admit that it also meant I had to [also] remove alcohol from the equation. During 2018, I ended a romantic relationship that I wanted to be more intimate it was and replaced it by going back to an ex and also reconnecting with a friend from childhood who lived locally. That spring, my girlfriends moved in with me, so I stopped drinking as much, because I didn’t want her to know how much I was drinking. The childhood friend, I was interested in romantically, was a more consistent friend through our youth with my girlfriend, so he ended up spending a lot of time at my house that summer. Weed was the substance of choice that summer. As a group, we spent countless nights sitting on the back deck exchanging our high thoughts.It was a summer full of edibles, vaping and bowls.
I kept adding things to cover my discontentment with life-concerts, beach trips, amusement parks, hosting gatherings at my house all which always included alcohol. It was my attempt to drink socially when I really wanted to drink alone. It was my continued process to drown my what I was really feeling. Emptiness. Purposelessness. Loneliness.
It took me another three years, one month and 3 days to finally take follow through and start my recovery journey.
I wanted the ‘sign’ that I was doing the right thing, before I actually did the right thing. Ya’ll that is absolutely NOT how life works. Do the thing. Today. You won’t see your confirmation until you do.
Have you ever waited for a sign to do something you knew deep down in your heart you needed to do? How did you take the first step towards change? What was your outcome?