“It’s your choice: life or death.”-Quote heard in recovery
I was discharged from the Emergency Room with a prescription for Librium. For a person suffering from withdrawals under medical supervision this may have been the best choice, however, you just gave a prescription of Benzos to an addict... I digress.
I got my prescription, went home, and cuddled with my daughter. Took the Librium as prescribed and slept like a baby. The next day began like any other, except knowing, what I would be doing after dropping my daughter off at school was going to be life-changing. I dressed in a pair of fitted, black slacks, an oversized MinnieMouse t-shirt, and threw on a burgundy-colored blazer, with burgundy flats. Drop off went fine. I saw my daughter into school, gave her a big hug and kiss, and walked back to the car to call my provider. “Maybe, we can just talk over the phone,” I thought
Me: “Can I speak with Ms. N?”
Operator: “I’m sorry she’s not available can I take a message.”
Me: “I’m having a medical emergency and I need to speak with her.”
Operator: “I’ve you’re having a medical emergency; you can go to your nearest Emergency Room.”
Me: “I already did that and they told me to follow up with my provider.”
Operator: “Then you’re going to need to come in as a walk-in and someone will see you.”
I was so frustrated. Why couldn’t I just talk to someone on the phone? Looking back now, I see I was looking for a way NOT to go to my provider. I was hoping someone would say, “We’ll schedule you an appointment.”I made the hour drive to my provider. The first thing Ms. N said to me as she walked me back to her office was, “I am so glad you are here.”
A bit of backstory:
In 2019, I voluntarily started a substance abuse program at the suggestion of my primary therapist. Ms. N was the director of the substance abuse program and my therapist said I should work with her because she “would be able to handle a case like mine.” Little did I know that was code for ‘someone who is in deep denial that they have a problem’ and thinks they are ‘maintaining’ a‘normal’ life. Ya’ll I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing. I was going to work, I was maintaining a household, I was being a good mother, I completed tasks as assigned...I just like to have a drink or two at the end of my day. But overall, I’m functioning and managing my responsibilities. Also, my primary therapist had been trying to get me to go into a residential treatment program for about a year. Ms. N would also encourage me during the three months I worked with her that I go into a residential program. Nah, I’m good. It’s not that bad. There are other people out there worse than me, who deserve that spot I’d take.
Back to March 1, 2021:
Ms. N took me to her office.
Ms. N: “How are you doing?”
Me: “Not good.” I looked her straight in the eyes, “I’m ready to goto rehab.”
Ms. N: “I’m really proud of you. Okay, let me see what I can do.”